My Ups and Downs Being Unemployed - July 12th

I got fired on Jan. 3, 2010. Seven months ago. Before that happened, I've only been unemployed for two months in my whole adult life. It felt weird not to have a job to go to. 

At first, I really enjoyed the time off and getting to sleep in everyday. I love having nothing to do. I enjoying being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. 

By the end of the first week, I doubled the number of friends I had on Facebook. The love and support from everyone was overwhelming. It really helped to lift me higher and keep me there for a number of months. People kept asking if I was depressed. Amazingly, I wasn't.

I had been using the principals from, "The Law of Attraction" and "The Power of Now" to help make positive changes in my life. I learned I didn't have to wait for something to happen in order to feel happy. I could choose to be happy every moment of every day. I was familiar with this concept, but I never knew how to actually make it happen before I read these books. So, despite losing a job I loved, I wasn't depressed. Just the opposite, I accepted it and was grateful for everything I did have. I focused on the positive and ignored the negative. I was focused on what I wanted, rather than on what I didn't want. That thinking, combined with the love and support made me feel truly happy. Until April.

I'm the only person I know who waited a month to apply for unemployment. I guess it took that long to realize it was real. I no longer had a job. A job I loved on a radio show from which I received so much joy. It was hard to believe the show was really over. We weren't going back to work.

Being on unemployment in a state that's broke was quite a challenge for me. They sent me exactly one check in my first four months. They said I was disqualified, because I didn't look for work and even refused a job offer. Both were lies. I spent hours everyday looking for a job. I didn't get one interview, let alone any offers.

When I read that letter, my hands shook and my heart sank. I started to cry - hard. I don't have a husband or anyone to financially support me. Would I end up homeless? No, my sister Melanee said I could live with her in  PA. That was a relief. It's always good to have a Plan B, although I love San Diego and consider this my home now. But that's when my depression started.

Unemployment said I had to attend a hearing, but I could reapply in 6 weeks. Gee thanks. I filled out the form to appeal the hearing. A few weeks later, I got a letter that stated my claim wasn't filed for a hearing and instead, I was scheduled for a phone interview. It claimed I would be disqualified again if I didn't answer the phone. But it didn't give me a date or time when that phone interview would take place.  This letter also said I would be disqualified, because I had gone to school during this time and that would make me unavailable for work. Another lie. You can imagine my frustration.

So I searched the official unemployment website for a way to respond to this. I found something in the drop down menu's and sent an email asking when to expect my phone call. I got a response two days later and then a letter, a few days after that. My phone interview was on the following Saturday. Okay, now we're talking.

A man phoned before the appointed time, but spoke in a friendly, easy to understand voice. From what I've been told, that's not always the case. He asked me a lot of questions, which I answered. Things were cleared up quickly and easily and he said I would be reinstated and should receive my back pay in the coming weeks.

So how does one live without being paid for 4 months? I spent my 401K and my tax return. Thank God for both of them!  I also sold some paintings. I was able to stay current with all of my bills, until one week before unemployment started sending my checks. Even then, I was only late with my rent and managed to pay half.

When I shared some of this experience with others on Facebook and Twitter, I was surprised to learn how common it was! I head all kinds of horror stories from others who got the same treatment. Some of them went to the hearing and won. Others did not. Some won their case at the hearing, but then had the decision reversed and had to pay back all the money! Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this. I was happy about the outcome and now get my unemployment checks regularly.

But somehow, I couldn't seem to shake off the depression. I spent most days on the couch watching TV and movies pretty much non-stop. Or I slept a lot. I ate junk food. I wasn't taking care of myself. I stopped trying to have a routine everyday. I slept on the couch. I did all the things most depressed people do. I don't have medical insurance, so I couldn't afford the medicine. I acted like someone who had given up on life.

My only respite during that time came on a number of Thursdays, when I drove myself to La Jolla, to paint with my girls at my friend Sally's house. Sally, Diane and Kat have no idea how much they helped to save my life during that time. I get tears in my eyes remembering. Otherwise, I isolated, stayed home alone and didn't reach out to anyone for help. I did all of the things that don't work. I didn't try to change my depressing thoughts, therefore, I felt depressed.

I did go to work here and there, filling in doing radio traffic reports, but I faked it the whole time. I hid my depression as much as I could. Fake it 'til ya make it.

I think it was the last day of June, when I wrote on my Facebook status, "I got nothin'." 44 people responded, mostly telling me how much I did have and telling me to write a gratitude list. Well, it worked. It was the catalyst to get me to turn things around. Once again, I started focusing on what I loved and was grateful for and changed my thinking. The Law of Attraction says if you change your thoughts, you'll change your feelings and hence change your life. 

Seriously, nothing has changed except my thinking! I still don't have a job. But today I'm happy. Every day I get another chance to make choices to feel good about my life. I don't need to wait for something to happen. I can choose to feel good right now. Every day. But that's the trick. I can't rest on the laurels of the past. I have to choose again and again. Each day. If I do that, I'm good.

I don't know when The DSC will be back on the air or even where. I accept whatever happens is meant to be. I know God has a purpose and a place for me. Right now, I have the patience to wait and find out the answers. 

What I really want to happen is this: I'd like to have one more go at radio. One more contract, say three to five years. That will give me enough time to get established as an artist and be able to support myself that way until the day I die. In the meantime, I'll continue to make art, take an occasional art class and keep my blog up to date. 

Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this challenging time. I'm learning a lot on this bumpy ride. But that's what life is all about. Everyone falls down now and then. It's what you do when you get up that matters.

~Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself ~Swedish proverb~