My Ups and Downs Being Unemployed - July 12th

I got fired on Jan. 3, 2010. Seven months ago. Before that happened, I've only been unemployed for two months in my whole adult life. It felt weird not to have a job to go to. 

At first, I really enjoyed the time off and getting to sleep in everyday. I love having nothing to do. I enjoying being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. 

By the end of the first week, I doubled the number of friends I had on Facebook. The love and support from everyone was overwhelming. It really helped to lift me higher and keep me there for a number of months. People kept asking if I was depressed. Amazingly, I wasn't.

I had been using the principals from, "The Law of Attraction" and "The Power of Now" to help make positive changes in my life. I learned I didn't have to wait for something to happen in order to feel happy. I could choose to be happy every moment of every day. I was familiar with this concept, but I never knew how to actually make it happen before I read these books. So, despite losing a job I loved, I wasn't depressed. Just the opposite, I accepted it and was grateful for everything I did have. I focused on the positive and ignored the negative. I was focused on what I wanted, rather than on what I didn't want. That thinking, combined with the love and support made me feel truly happy. Until April.

I'm the only person I know who waited a month to apply for unemployment. I guess it took that long to realize it was real. I no longer had a job. A job I loved on a radio show from which I received so much joy. It was hard to believe the show was really over. We weren't going back to work.

Being on unemployment in a state that's broke was quite a challenge for me. They sent me exactly one check in my first four months. They said I was disqualified, because I didn't look for work and even refused a job offer. Both were lies. I spent hours everyday looking for a job. I didn't get one interview, let alone any offers.

When I read that letter, my hands shook and my heart sank. I started to cry - hard. I don't have a husband or anyone to financially support me. Would I end up homeless? No, my sister Melanee said I could live with her in  PA. That was a relief. It's always good to have a Plan B, although I love San Diego and consider this my home now. But that's when my depression started.

Unemployment said I had to attend a hearing, but I could reapply in 6 weeks. Gee thanks. I filled out the form to appeal the hearing. A few weeks later, I got a letter that stated my claim wasn't filed for a hearing and instead, I was scheduled for a phone interview. It claimed I would be disqualified again if I didn't answer the phone. But it didn't give me a date or time when that phone interview would take place.  This letter also said I would be disqualified, because I had gone to school during this time and that would make me unavailable for work. Another lie. You can imagine my frustration.

So I searched the official unemployment website for a way to respond to this. I found something in the drop down menu's and sent an email asking when to expect my phone call. I got a response two days later and then a letter, a few days after that. My phone interview was on the following Saturday. Okay, now we're talking.

A man phoned before the appointed time, but spoke in a friendly, easy to understand voice. From what I've been told, that's not always the case. He asked me a lot of questions, which I answered. Things were cleared up quickly and easily and he said I would be reinstated and should receive my back pay in the coming weeks.

So how does one live without being paid for 4 months? I spent my 401K and my tax return. Thank God for both of them!  I also sold some paintings. I was able to stay current with all of my bills, until one week before unemployment started sending my checks. Even then, I was only late with my rent and managed to pay half.

When I shared some of this experience with others on Facebook and Twitter, I was surprised to learn how common it was! I head all kinds of horror stories from others who got the same treatment. Some of them went to the hearing and won. Others did not. Some won their case at the hearing, but then had the decision reversed and had to pay back all the money! Thank you to everyone who helped me get through this. I was happy about the outcome and now get my unemployment checks regularly.

But somehow, I couldn't seem to shake off the depression. I spent most days on the couch watching TV and movies pretty much non-stop. Or I slept a lot. I ate junk food. I wasn't taking care of myself. I stopped trying to have a routine everyday. I slept on the couch. I did all the things most depressed people do. I don't have medical insurance, so I couldn't afford the medicine. I acted like someone who had given up on life.

My only respite during that time came on a number of Thursdays, when I drove myself to La Jolla, to paint with my girls at my friend Sally's house. Sally, Diane and Kat have no idea how much they helped to save my life during that time. I get tears in my eyes remembering. Otherwise, I isolated, stayed home alone and didn't reach out to anyone for help. I did all of the things that don't work. I didn't try to change my depressing thoughts, therefore, I felt depressed.

I did go to work here and there, filling in doing radio traffic reports, but I faked it the whole time. I hid my depression as much as I could. Fake it 'til ya make it.

I think it was the last day of June, when I wrote on my Facebook status, "I got nothin'." 44 people responded, mostly telling me how much I did have and telling me to write a gratitude list. Well, it worked. It was the catalyst to get me to turn things around. Once again, I started focusing on what I loved and was grateful for and changed my thinking. The Law of Attraction says if you change your thoughts, you'll change your feelings and hence change your life. 

Seriously, nothing has changed except my thinking! I still don't have a job. But today I'm happy. Every day I get another chance to make choices to feel good about my life. I don't need to wait for something to happen. I can choose to feel good right now. Every day. But that's the trick. I can't rest on the laurels of the past. I have to choose again and again. Each day. If I do that, I'm good.

I don't know when The DSC will be back on the air or even where. I accept whatever happens is meant to be. I know God has a purpose and a place for me. Right now, I have the patience to wait and find out the answers. 

What I really want to happen is this: I'd like to have one more go at radio. One more contract, say three to five years. That will give me enough time to get established as an artist and be able to support myself that way until the day I die. In the meantime, I'll continue to make art, take an occasional art class and keep my blog up to date. 

Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this challenging time. I'm learning a lot on this bumpy ride. But that's what life is all about. Everyone falls down now and then. It's what you do when you get up that matters.

~Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself ~Swedish proverb~

My Word of Intention for 2010 and New Cards I Made This Week

Lots of artists in Bloglandia select a "Word of Intention" at the beginning of every year. Merriam-Webster defines Intention as: "something that one hopes or intends to accomplish."

My word this year will be; NOW. Merriam-Webster defines now as: "at the present time or without delay." I want to live in the now, stay in the now, because now is all we have.  I want to stop procrastinating and do it now!

The pile of art supplies in my living room keeps me from creating art every day, so I'd like to clean that up and organize it into something workable. If I spend a period of time each day chipping away at that mess, eventually it will be neat and clean. I'll be able to find things and have plenty of room to make art.

I blogged recently about how much my life has changed since I've applied the principals of the book, "The Power of Now," to my life. I no longer focus on the past, nor do I project into the future. All I have control of is what I do, see and most importantly, what I think right now. During times when my thoughts dwell on the past or I worry about the future; I bring myself back to the present with other thoughts as fast as I can. It's very simple really, but it's not easy. It's taken me a lot of practice to be consistent. The results have been outstanding. I have learned to worry less, (negative energy) and keep as many positive thoughts as possible.

When I'm not feeling very good, I change my thoughts to more positive things and I start to feel better. It's worked so well, I'm off anti-depression medication for the first time in years. I am NOT recommending this for others, because it didn't happen right away, but I changed my story about how I want to feel. I want to feel good as much as possible, as often as possible. Changing the way I think makes that possible. In the world of therapy, it's called cognitive thinking. Change your thoughts and your actions will change. I always had that backwards. I thought I had to *do* something to change my feelings. I thought I had to wait for something to happen in order to feel happy. But that was not working for me. I found something that works and it's staying present and thinking positive thoughts.

One of my art groups on yahoo.com talked about their word of intention this week and came up with these so far: invite, heart, happiness, dance, believe, love, let go, breathe, hope and soar. All excellent words.

Christine Kane also talks about this idea on her blog. She says choosing a word sets the tone for the whole year. She features people on her blog who have chosen: celebrate, release, abundance and courage. More outstanding words. If you email Christine, she'll send you a free Word of Intention worksheet to help you figure out what word will work best for you. She says, "Intention can't not work."

This isn't like a New Year's resolution. It's a guideline for living your life in a better way, more positive way and I'm all about that. I've over simplified here and I suggest you read, "The Power of Now," or "The Law of Attraction," to discover the details of how this can change your life too.

 I suggest you come up with a word too and see if it helps you do more of what you really want to do. I'd love to know what your word is. Please email me or let me know in a comment below.

Thanks for stopping by and enjoy deciding what word you want to pick for your Word of Intention to set the tone of 2010.

Since writing this post, I have found some other blogs that discuss this topic, including: Ali Edwards, where there are a ton of words by artists who have chosen a Word Of Intent. Kathryn Antyr, The Collage Diva , also blogs about affirmations and her words for 2010. She has the best links too! Lisa Swifka has a wonderful blog post as well. She's the one who started the wonderful, global blog event, One World One Heart. I'll be blogging about that very soon.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Have you ever said that? I know I've thought it before, much to my chagrin. But it effects me in the worst way when I think it about myself.

Blue Flower by Georgia O'Keefe

I subscribe to a newsletter written by a singer-songwriter, motival speaker named, Christine Kane. Her recent post has to do with this exact topic. I love that she talks about, "the voices in her head." We all have them and often they lie to us -- and this is a big one. 

What do the voices in your head say? When the voice in my head says, "Who do you think you are?" I  cringe, because I know it's there to try and keep me down. It's there to keep me from being the best I can be. How dare I be fabulous?! How dare I call myself an artist?! How dare I think I'm talented so why even try?! How dare I say something I've painted is good?!

This year, 2009, has taught me to replace these old voices with new, positive ones that will help me to attract what I want. What do I want? I want to paint a *lot.*  I want to take more classes to learn as much as I can to move forward in my art education. I want to create beauty. I want to put positive energy and joy into everything I paint, in everything I *do.* I want to be a more caring, loving, giving, less selfish person.

I want a lot, so I am choosing to focus on what I want rather than what I don't want. For years, I would tell myself things like, "I don't want to end up homeless. I don't want to lose my job. I don't want to run out of money."  All of these things are fear based and focus on what I don't want. The Law of Attraction has taught me, focusing on what I *don't* want is still focusing on that thing. It's taught me to rephrase the thought into a more positive one, such as, I want to be successful. I want to excell at work. I look forward to having enough money. I want to attract wonderful people, places and things into my life. Thinking this way has made my life so much richer, less stressful and I'm happier than I've ever been!
Who do I think I am? I am a happy, healthy, talented, kind, loving person, who is rich with friends and family. Changing the way you think will change your life too!

Who Do You Think You Are?

by Christine Kane


You've heard it. I've heard it. Sometimes we even joke about it because it's so common. I'm talking about the snarky voice in your head that mouths off whenever you think about being a little bolder, a little decadent, or more self-nurturing.  It's the voice that says, "Who do you think you are?"


I'm embarrassed to admit this, but mine shows up as a group of high school girls. Their eyes are lined with thick black pencil. They wear concert t-shirts. Their hair is burnt from too many home perms. One of them steps forward and says, with her hands on her hips, "Who do you think you are?" And then she turns to the others and says, "Who does she think she is?" Then they all take an aggressive step forward. (Welcome to an average day at my old high school!)


My friend Joy's "Who do you think you are?" voices jump in whenever she imagines hanging out on the sofa reading magazines.


A few years ago, I saw Oprah speak. She said that every time she wanted to achieve more, the first voice she heard was "Who do you think you are?"


Every woman I know has her own version of this voice waiting in the wings. In other words: Stay down, play small, shut up, and don't embarrass yourself. Don't even bother because you won't make it, you don't deserve it, and everyone knows it, and they'll all laugh at you when you fail.


So, next time that voice jumps up in your head, here's what you do:
Answer it.  Really. Who do you think you are?




One time, I was telling a mentor about some fears coming up around a choice I was making. I said, "…and all the voices in my head are saying, 'Who do you think you are?'" And he looked at me and said, "Well? Who do you think you are?" I smiled and continued with my story. He cut in. "No. Stop. I really want to know. Who do you think you are? Tell me right now." In a very tiny voice, I told him. Then he made me say it again in a bigger, stronger voice. And again after that. He said, "There. Now you have an answer for your voices." Now I do this exercise every time those voices arise.


Here's a tip: When you answer that question, use language that speaks the truth of your strengths and values. In other words, make it authentic. It's tempting to recite something that sounds "lofty" or "holy" like, "I am a divine being, living in divine perfection with power and grace." Okay, fine. True as that may be, if that language doesn't resonate with you, you'll never feel any bolder, and those high school girls with the black eye pencil will put their cigarettes out on your shoe.


The Co-op of Lack: My theory is that "Who do you think you are?" is actually a Cooperative. It's a collective body of voices saying, "Agree with us in the lack that we see! Agree with us that there are no other options! Agree with us that no one has any power over life conditions!" It's actually pretty convenient. It's convenient to have this world-view because it gives you permission to stay stuck. It never requires that you do anything about it because after all, you're dealing with a whole world-view!

Think about it. When you say, "I no longer want to work with this abusive client," you're also saying, "AND, I believe there are multitudes of others out there for me." When you say, "I'm gonna nap right now, and I'll be more productive and happier because of it," you're also saying, "AND, I believe that there's more than enough time for me to get my to-do's done." Get it? Essentially, you're telling the Co-op that you've decided to create a whole new world-view!


Extra Credit Bonus Tip: Let's be honest. Most likely there are occasions when you've been the one saying, "Who does she think she is?" (Even if it's only in your head.) Don't be ashamed. It simply means that you have more opportunities to shift those old lack mindsets. Usually those mindsets are saying: "I'm feeling small and poor, so she should be small and poor too." We've all caught ourselves doing this.


Even if it's uncomfortable, you can choose to bless or praise anyone who seems to be taking bigger strides in her life. Then remind yourself again who you think you are, and join her!


****Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her 'LiveCreative' weekly ezine with more than 8,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.


WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE? See Christine's blog - Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous - at ChristineKane.com/blog.

Christine Kane

I'd love it if you left a comment telling me, "Who do you think you are?!" Thanks for stopping by.  xoxo

My Sister and I Go Full Circle with Our Art

My Sister, Melanee Herrera, of Williamsport, PA, painting in her studio during my visit in 08/09.

After being estranged from most of my family for the last ten years, I reconnected with them in 11/08. I noticed how much my sister had changed, thanks to applying the spiritual principals of Eckhart Tolle's, "The Power of Now," to her life. She told me about, "The Law of Attraction," and how she is now focused on what she wants rather than what she doesn't want. I'd heard about these books before, but hadn't taken them to heart. It made me sit up and take notice, because her life had obviously changed for the good.

               Me happily painting in my sister's studio.

During the conversation, she reminded me of the oil paintings I had done as a teen. I'd taken summer art classes at Bucknell University, in Lewisburg, PA, where our Mother worked as a secretary. As a child, I had always loved art and my Mother encouraged all of her kids to draw, paint and make crafts throughout our childhood. But somewhere along the way, for reasons unknown to me, I stopped painting, drawing and creating anything. I know I was told I couldn't be an artist when I grew up, so perhaps that's why I stopped. But my sister reminded me how much fun painting was. She suggested I "just play" with paint on paper and mix some colors to see the stunning results I could get. So I did!

My sister's new Angel painting after I showed her the Julie Prichard style of drip painting. (Julie teaches this method online.)

The result was the beginning of my foray in Mixed Media Art, focusing on acrylic painting with collage. I poured over internet web sites, art blogs and Yahoo art groups; getting tons of ideas of things I wanted to try. I began taking workshops and art classes in San Diego, CA where I live. Unlike my sister, I'm fortunate so many talented artists live here and travel here to teach.

Meanwhile, my sister, Melanee, was stuck in an artistic slump. She hadn't painted anything in ages, except the Angel painting, (shown above), she was finishing up when we reconnected. I went to visit her for my summer vacation in 08/09 and we spent almost everyday painting together in her studio. I showed her what I had learned from taking classes with Chris Cozen, Julie Prichard and Karen O'Brien. She soaked it up like a sponge. Previous to my visit, her style mainly focused on Vintage and she wasn't attracted to bright colors like I was.

Here are some cool Needle Punch Rugs she made:

She had also discovered Mixed Media Art and made this assemblage for a friend of hers to help her after a painful divorce.

But it was the heavily textured, sgrafitto painting style I had learned from Chris Cozen, which really changed the way she thought about color, texture and painting in general.

Look at these!

Shortly after she painted these, she visited a few galleries in Williamsport, PA and found one where she imagined having her work hung one day. Just before Thanksgiving, that dream became a reality. They are now hanging in The Harvest Gallery on W. 4th Street, as pictured below.

She's already sold a few pieces and is busily creating more! News of her work in this gallery even made the local paper.

Melanee and I also had a blast painting Mythical Creatures as taught by Karen O'Brien. Here's what she made during my visit.

Here's what she created on her own after I left, with more of a vintage style.

Meanwhile, I showed her the web site of one of my favorite inspirations, Mixed Media Artist, Teesha Moore. Here's what she came up with!

                    These are also hanging in the gallery!

So there you see the full circle. She encouraged me to start painting, after being dormant for too many years. I didn't resist, but instead, flourished with her support. So I took a few workshops and taught her some of the techniques I had learned and viola' ... her work is hanging in a gallery, she's sold a few pieces and thrilled and happy to be painting more and more!

Meanwhile, I have applied the spiritual principals of, "The Power of Now," and "The Law of Attraction," to my own life and it's bettered my life more than anything since I got sober, 22 years ago. I would encourage anyone who wants to make some changes in their life to read these books. Changing the way you think, will change your life!

Please click on the links to learn more about the artists I've mentioned. Thanks for visiting!

Please note: ALL of the art work in this posting is the property of my sister, Melanee Herrera. She created ALL of them. None of these are mine. You can easily view my artwork in previous posts.